Stand Still.

“I have memories but only a fool stores his past in the future.”

<David Gerrold

My aunt told me a long time ago to never call someone else a “fool”. However, she said nothing about calling myself one. Lately, my brain is clogged with memories that have been kept past their expiration date. Memories with friends and past loves, memories of childhood trauma and messages that I regret ever sending. It’s got me wondering if emotional hoarding is a thing.

So here’s my fool testimony:  I remember myself transitioning from middle school to high school. I wanted friends. I wanted acceptance and popularity for once. I was going above and beyond to score companionship with people, majority of them I didn’t even know. I wasn’t trying to be weird about it, but I was pretty awkward. Not much of a socialite until I found social media. For a while I made the platforms work for me. I’d found a lifelong supply of “sisters” and “brothers” online and that boosted my confidence just enough that I could make friends in reality . However, time revealed that these connections would be short lived.

It’s safe to say that “Fake love” turned into no love pretty fast. It wasn’t until I went off to college that I actually found people that favored my company and didn’t abuse my kindness. It felt really good. I was no longer feeling empty when I had my girls to fill my void. But over breaks I was reminded of what I had prior to. I would get online and see my former “besties” from high school still close with one another but not me. I would watch my family enjoy themselves at a gathering that I wasn’t invited to.

It didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t know what I had done to have so many failed connections. After all, I wasn’t the one who grew distant. I stayed estranged from those I grew with and that stirred up emotions within me that I couldn’t contain. My way of coping wasn’t lashing out though. I just kind of hit the replay button on everything. Over and over. And over.

This puts me at a stand still to this day. As much as I want to let go, I can’t. My remote is stuck on rewind. Most people would advise that I move on. But it’s all easier said than done. This is a fear.. To move on. To be in a better place with better memories. To not let your past hinder your future. Sorry to say but I don’t have much advice for this one. Just take it one day at a time.

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